For My Fellow Introverts: How Spending Time Alone Makes Us Better Friends

Have you ever agreed to going out after a super long day? If you’re like me, that doesn’t go well. The key to handling introversion is to prioritize time to re-charge, even if that means skipping out on outings with friends.

I know, I know. It’s hard to say no! Considering the current circumstances around COVID-19, many of us don’t have a choice. So here are a few ways this time alone can help you be a better friend.

1. Spending time alone gives you energy

Being introverted doesn’t automatically mean you hate being around people. It means that you need alone time to recharge. Has your social battery ever died while you were out? Not a good feeling.

When we don’t have enough time to recharge, we’re burnt out, and we aren’t able to contribute in meaningful ways. And if my word isn’t doing it for you, here’s a professional opinion: Psychologists agree that you’re better off staying in every once in a while, because going against your natural inclination to be alone isn’t what’s best for you or the group.

I often feel pressured to say yes to plans when my heart wants to be solo. And in these cases, my attitude isn’t great. I’m thinking I’m doing my loved ones a favor, instead of enjoying the gift of their company. That isn’t fair.

2. Spending time alone gives you an opportunity to think about what you want

I tend to go along with what other people want. They want to eat at Zaxby’s, so I go along for the ride. I need to process my thoughts and feelings alone. It’s hard for me to process how I feel and endure the feelings of my friends and family. That’s a lot!

When I prioritize my alone time, I give myself a chance to reflect on what I need.

When I know what I need, I can make clear requests. Remember: clear is kind. Making my requests clear to the people in my life is easier for me and them. They know how to show up for me and can trust me to communicate authentically. Sounds like a recipe for a strong friendship!

3. Spending time alone gives everyone a break.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Take one for the team and create the absence that’s necessary to strengthen your bonds. Spending too much time together can drain everyone. It’s good to take a break, so you can remember why you’re friends with these awesome people in the first place.

And if you’re worried that taking time for yourself might hurt your relationships, you might want to reconsider whom you’ve chosen to be in your life. Just saying.

The more in touch you are with yourself and the more aware you are of your needs, the better you are at being a friend. There will be another event. Trust me.

What’s been your experience with taking time for yourself in relationships? Do you know when you need a break?

How Cheering for Other People Actually Helps You

I was a cheerleader in high school. I’ll be honest, the cute uniforms and movie-based stereotypes inspired my decision to try-out. But as time went on, I actually got a thrill out of cheering on my school’s teams and encouraging fans to do the same.

It wasn’t until recently that I discovered how much I still enjoy rooting for other people. For instance, the last time I cried was due to an American Idol singing audition. I watch videos like these in my spare time because I get a kick out of seeing people meet and even exceed their life goals.

Usually, we (humans) do things that benefit us, so I began thinking: what is it about cheering people on, that I love so much? Why do I enjoy seeing other people win? I knew there had to be a reason, so I did some digging. By “digging”, I mean I took a minute (or two) to think about my patterns of rooting for others and what it does for me.

When I witness other people receiving more, I take it as a sign that there must be more for me too.

In previous posts, I’ve written about the importance of perspective – this ties in perfectly.

Consider a conversation I had with a friend. Let’s call her Sharon (not her actual name). Sharon was telling me about a new employee at her job. Apparently, most people in her office were upset that this newbie was coming in and making more money than people who had been in their position for almost 7 years longer. The fact that people responded with anger wasn’t what surprised me. What surprised me was this: some suggested that this new person be paid less rather than asking for more for themselves.

We get what we give.

What are you giving? Good vibes or icky ones? Don’t get me wrong. Jealousy is a normal, very human reaction – but it doesn’t feel very good. It feels a lot better to be inspired by victories than to be intimidated. Usually, feeling better about something is a sign that it actually is better for you. In other words, being happy for someone else boosts your own confidence and inspires to you to chase similar results.

Need some cheerleading practice? Try these simple actions below and observe the effects.

1. Give someone a compliment – It’s so easy to notice a cute shirt, but not say anything to the person wearing it. Try expressing your positive energy!
2. Help someone out – Is the new guy at work having a hard time finding the supply closet? How long would it take you to give some quick directions?
3. Shout someone out – Did your colleague do an excellent job on a presentation? Send out a quick email recognizing her for her hard work! You never know how this simple deed could inspire others to recognize you in the future.

Discovering Gratitude: Have you said, “Thank You” today?

“You can choose to become the source of attitudes such as gratitude and responsibility (rather than waiting for the events of life to inspire you to adopt them).” l

Gay Hendricks, A Year of Living Consciously

When all is well, it’s pretty easy to be in a space of thanksgiving. I mean, it’s a natural response to experiencing the highs of life. But what about when it seems like life isn’t handing out any lemons for you to make lemonade with?

If you’re like me, you may find that you become super distressed and anxious when life doesn’t go exactly as planned. I found that being thankful actually helps me navigate the ebbs and flows of life.

A little over a year ago, I started my practice of gratitude. It’s pretty simple: Every day, I list 5 things I’m thankful for.

Thinking of a 5-item list of what I’m thankful for is pretty easy to do when I’ve had an awesome day. On not so great days, I get really creative about what I have to be thankful for. I come up with things like my eyesight, my ability to blink, and the fact that my brain is functioning well enough to even write my list.

In a short amount of time, I’ve experienced these benefits of practicing gratitude:

• I notice the little things.

This is the biggest change I’ve seen in my life. For example, have you ever noticed how beautiful a tree is? I think trees are breathtaking. I’ve been walking past trees all my life, but it took me about 22 years to actually see them. Before I started being intentional about writing down what I was thankful for, I was so consumed with my “stuff” that I failed to see the beauty of life’s simplicity. When I got creative about all the abundance that exists in my life, I saw things in a new way. For you, it might not be trees. I challenge you to start this practice and re-experience what’s already around you!

• I express my appreciation to others.

It can be pretty hard for me to tell others how much they mean to me. That’s a pretty vulnerable act for a hardcore scorpio like me (LOL). However, as I began to take note of what I love about my life, it became easier for me to communicate that same gratitude to the important people in my life. And as you may know, expressing your appreciation for others can help strengthen and deepen your relationships.

• I pay less attention to my problems.

I won’t lie to you and say that I never get bogged down about life. I will say that consistently training myself to switch over to an attitude of gratitude has helped me to focus on the good (and there’s a lot of good). What we focus on grows, right?

Today’s Challenge: Write down 5 things you’re grateful for.

Try it again tomorrow!

5 Practical Ways to Build Confidence

Trigger Warning: the first sentence of this post is a blanket statement.

We all know confidence is important, but how many of us were taught how to get there? In my post, “What are you made of?” I talked about how our level of confidence affects the way we respond to life. Now, let’s discover how to actually build that confidence.

Maybe many of us really are confident. However, I’d be willing to bet that some of us are faking it until we make it. Look – this is a judgement free zone – we all fake it sometimes (ha).

I don’t think pretending to be confident is bad at all. There’s actually evidence that shows that just sounding more confident can improve how others perceive you – makes sense.

But if the goal is to actually be confident, some work has to be done. Here are 5 Practical Ways to Build Confidence:

1. Help someone else.

Volunteer. There’s nothing like experiencing how much you have to offer others. Sharing your gifts is a great way to acknowledge your unique strengths and abilities.

2. Don’t be afraid to say, “party of one.”

Spending time with yourself is a sure way to develop confidence, because you realize how great your company is! The first time I took myself on a date was during my freshman year of college. I saw The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. I absolutely enjoyed the way I talked to the screen, gave unsolicited advice to Katniss, and jumped dramatically during all the intense scenes. If I was with someone else, I’m not sure I would have noticed these quirky and super wonderful things about myself.

When you take some time to enjoy your presence, you begin to develop your interests and find out more about the activities you enjoy.

3. Establish a self-care routine.

The key word here is routine. Regularly meeting your own needs is a great way to make sure your confidence is in-tack. Self-care looks different for everyone, and it’s important to find what’s best for you. If you’re new to this, here are some activities that work well for me:

• Going for a run
• Practicing yoga
• Writing in my journal
• Lighting candles
• Dancing to my favorite tunes…solo.

4. Make a mistake, and learn from it.

Perfectionism is tough. Unattainable expectations take a toll on self-esteem. Mistakes are signs of growth. I like the phrase, fail forward.

Reconstructing how you view failure can boost your confidence. Did you see Will Smith’s video on failure? He talked about how the most successful people fail a lot, take the lessons, and consider them added wisdom. Think about the last mistake you made. How are you better now because of it?

5. Say Yes!

It’s an easy word on paper, but putting it into action can be a beast! If we pay attention, we’ll notice how many opportunities come by and how many we pass up because of our fears. Saying yes, even when your comfort zone screams in agony, is the one of the best things you can do to boost your confidence.

What’s your confidence level? What are some things you do to keep it sky high?

What are you made of…?

“Confidence and a made-up mind are the stuff kings and queens are made of.”

(Vanzant, 2018).

I studied Psychology in undergrad, and I learned a lot about perspective. I remember being amazed to learn how two people could experience the exact same event, but interpret it in completely different ways. Usually, how someone interprets something is directly connected to what that person is made of.

Here’s a scenario: Let’s say Confident Cathy and Insecure Isaac walk into a crowded classroom and see people smiling at them.

• Confident Cathy’s Experience: “Oh, people are smiling at me. They must want me to join their table.”

• Insecure Isaac’s Experience: “Here we go again. I knew I shouldn’t have worn this shirt. They’re laughing at me.”

Cathy and Isaac witnessed the same smiles, but had completely different experiences of them. Do you sound more like Cathy or Isaac?

The truth is, we don’t know which interpretation was accurate. In fact, it doesn’t matter what the smiles actually meant. We can’t control the actions or intentions of others. We can only control our response.

We respond based on what’s inside us. What would it take to make sure confidence resides in you today?

Not sure? Try the power pose! I’ve tried it before my presentation and interviews, and it actually works. For more on the power pose, click here.